It's been 17 years and I still face moments where the pain is as fierce as the very first moment I felt it. Grief. This grief is not the loss of one's life, rather, the loss of any chance at giving life to one. Infertility; that very personal, dreaded, and dream-crushing word that no woman wants to hear. It's an emotional journey that is completely indescribable. A roller coaster ride that starts its treacherous climb with denial, anger, sadness, and confusion, then peaks with hope, faith, perseverance, and strength, only to dip back down into denial, anger, sadness, and confusion.
I look at my life now and see the blessings of having gone through such pain. The amazing transformation of who I was then into the person I am now. The reality of my seemingly unbearable circumstance that I thought impossible to endure shed light to the intense strength God gave me to continue on, encompassed by my insatiable need for His.
I never lost hope of my life long desire to have a child, although, I came pretty close. Getting up and pushing through the pain with persistence every step of the way was anything but easy. Infertility tried to undo me but I would not be undone. At long last, my husband and I found ourselves in the middle of a whirlwind adoption. God's little miracle, our little blessing, was the perfect gift at the perfect time. Suddenly, it felt like those 11 years in waiting was just a blink of an eye.
Today, I look into the deep blue eyes of my daughter and feel incredibly thankful. Thankful for the opportunity to be called "mommy". Thankful that even though not an ounce of blood that runs through her veins is mine, God still intentionally created and purposed her to be my very own little girl forever. Thankful that when I'm having one of those painful moments of grief all I have to do is look at her sweet smile and joy washes over me. Resilient joy.
There's beautiful peace in knowing I'm living my life by Design, not by default. And it truly is as it should be.
Michelle Clevenger